BACK IN MY teenage days, my parents used to complain about me not being around. I even made it my business to let them know how boring it was to be in the house with them before I rode off on my bike and into the sunset.
Now I have two teenage sons, Isaiah (Zay Zay) and Josiah (Jojo)—and they no longer want anything to do with me. I’m not even their favorite comedian. Tony Baker is.
Kids will deflate your ego. And now that I’ve been humbled by my own children, I’ve started to realize that a lot of the lessons my mom and dad passed on to me were actually pretty good lessons. Like:
Lesson #1: “It never gets easy—your worry just changes”
My dad used to say this when my wife and I were young, clueless parents. When Zay Zay and Jojo were babies, our main concerns were things like SIDS or them choking.
We couldn’t wait for the kids to grow up so it could all be simpler.
But simpler never came. Puberty came. Learning to drive came. Police brutality, gun violence, and mass shootings came. Our worries turned from SIDS to STDs, from choking on hot dogs to choking on the SATs.
You can try to be levelheaded as a father. You can try to be a good example. You can try to have all the “right” discussions. But the worry doesn’t fade—it just evolves.
Accepting that somehow makes things easier.
Lesson #2: See the world (or at least other parts of the country)
My family didn’t have a lot of money, but my parents made sure to do what they could when they could.
My dad felt that it was important to have cultural capital. So we would take two weeks every year and travel: Arlington National Cemetery, Grambling State University, Six Flags Over Texas (hey, coasters are a form of culture, too). I’m thankful that we were able to enjoy glimpses of things that were beyond El Paso, Texas.
I get it now: It’s important that children see the world so that their view of the world can be bigger. That said . . .
Lesson #3: You can’t buy memories
My wife and I once took vacationing a step further than my parents.
We decided to skip expensive gifts for Christmas and birthdays to save for Big Trips. So what if the kids got one less present? We were going international! Amsterdam, Italy, Japan—Isaiah and Josiah shuffled through these vacations, staring at their parents with looks that said, “We’re glad you’re having fun, but this isn’t the beach, and where are my video games?”
Now we’re back to doing an extra present or two at Christmas again.
And beach trips.
Lesson #4: Keep imagining
My mom was a writer, and my dad was a musician. When I was young, I wanted that Burger King paycheck to buy things I didn’t really need. My parents let me learn that lesson on my own, all the while playing music and publishing.
I soaked up creativity through them—and the sense that life can be fun and interesting for as long as you hold a sense of wonder about it all. Zay does animation, video work, and sketches. I’ve hosted a podcast with Jo. I acknowledge that, yes, money is important, but so is appreciating your God-given (parent-encouraged) talents.
And eventually, maybe someday, Zay Zay and Jojo will learn to appreciate that I taught them that.
A version of this article originally appeared in the October 2022 issue of Men’s Health.
Kevin Fredericks, aka KevOnStage, is a comedian and a coauthor of Marriage Be Hard, with his wife, Melissa.