Children are inherently selfish, that is just part of their development, and they will often not take kindly to being told no, especially if it is something that they really want. This means that they may try and find a workaround to getting their way, and this is where the underestimating comes in. If mom says no, the child may think that they can go and ask dad, and if dad says yes, then the answer is yes because he is their parent.
This can be frustrating for any parent, especially if it happens frequently and if dad is always saying yes. Mom can feel like she is being undermined, but if dad doesn’t know that mom said no, he cannot be blamed either. Luckily, there are some ways around this.
Stronger Together
A marriage and two people parenting is a partnership, and it requires constant communication and working together. According to Kaleido, it is essential that mom and dad are on the same page. Sometimes, the best solution is the easiest one. If you know that your child has a habit of doing this, there needs to be a new rule instituted. Mom and dad need to get in the habit of double-checking. If their child comes to them with a request, they need to ask if the other parent said no, or check in with the other parent before giving their answer. This will show your child that you really are a team, and their “trick” is not going to work as long as you are consistent.
If mom and dad have children who are still relatively young, and who have not learned how to engage in this behavior yet, they can get a head start. It is always a good idea to come together and agree on some rules of the house that are hard rules, and this means that the answer will always be no. There can also be rules that are more middle-ground, and if the child feels like mom’s “no” was not fair, dad can suggest going and talking with mom about it instead of just saying yes.
What You Really Need To Teach Your Child
Some parents may think that the lesson in this situation is to respect the parent’s decision, but that is not what the real problem is. According to Empowering Parents, the real problem is that your child cannot take no for an answer. They go to the other parent, not because they don’t respect you, but because they are searching for that yes, and this means that you have to teach them that “no means no.”
The best way to do this is to make sure you are consistent, and that you don’t back down. If both parents have now said no, and a meltdown ensues, it is important to not give in. Walk away and ignore if you have to, but this will teach your child that they have to get used to hearing no and that they cannot act the way they are.
We have to remember that kids are learning, and they are going to do what works. If throwing a fit always works for them, even in children older than toddlers, they are going to go with that tactic. Learning how to handle “no” is a big milestone, and one that needs to be taught early.
Remember What You Are Teaching Them
When you wind up in a situation where mom says no, and dad says yes, you have to remember what your child is being taught. According to other parents on Reddit, when dad says yes after mom says no, there are two things going on. Either he doesn’t know that mom said no (refer back to the first section), or he knows and he doesn’t think the no was warranted.
If that is the case, he still needs to talk to mom about it before just saying yes. When he says yes, he is undermining mom, he is not respecting her, and he is making the problem mom’s. He is taking all the burden off of him when it comes to negative behavior, and he is putting it on mom.
These are situations where mom can end up being labeled the “bad guy,” and that is never a place that mom wants to be.
Sources: Kaledio, Empowering Parents, Reddit